Up until a few years ago my dealings with grief were very few. I really thought that you only had to grieve when someone died. I have learned that you have to grieve for any loss. When we were dealing with infertility issues and we decided to stop at IVF number 2, I had to grieve the loss of never having my own child through a pregnancy. I think I tried to avoid my grief on that one. But it really became an issue. I knew I needed to deal with it when I could not visit one of my very best friends at the hospital after the birth of her first child. The sight of a pregnant woman or a baby shower made me sick. So I dealt with it...and I moved on. It wasn't easy but I had to face the grief so I could see a pregnant woman at the grocery store and not want to trip her up. Today I can honestly say, that I am fine with not ever having my own child through pregnancy. I reached this peace because I grieved the loss.
My next bout with grief was a whole lot tougher, AnnaKate's diagnosis. Looking back on it I can see that my grief for the loss of typical had very definite phases. Denial, silence, fear, etc. Grief is something that you have to deal with and you have to go through the phases that are going to make you whole again. If you avoid it, you will face challenges at every corner. If you embrace it, it will become the salve that heals your wounds. I am not going to be cocky and say that I knew all this while going through it. This is all hind site and me trying to explain my insensitive comment. Today I am truly at peace with AnnaKate's diagnosis. I love her for who she is and I am proud of her. I have no underlying issues with her syndrome. The biggest part of my grief and healing was blogging, blog reading and talking honestly to others about AnnaKate. It feels so good to be on the other side of my grieving. To be content and happy with AnnaKate for who she is and not what I dreamed she would be. So...I think my comment really should have been. "Take the time to grieve. Deal with all the issues head on, share with others and you will feel whole and happy on the other side."
Billy and I married in 1998 after dating for 6 years. In 2006 we adopted AnnaKate. We were lucky enough to meet her birth mother and take her home from the hospital. At about 4 months old, AnnaKate was diagnosed with Rubinstein-Taybi Syndrome. Through all of AnnaKate's struggles and delays she surprises and delights us daily! Thanks for marking this spot and coming back often to check in on us.
15 comments:
Such wisdom...self-examination takes courage. I admire you so for having the courage to expose your weaknesses and subsequently your strengths. What a gift AnnaKate is for you and you for AnnaKate...God is amazing!
Grief does come in all forms. I grieve the loss of Bill as if he had died, but sometimes think that losing him to his disease is even harder. Death brings conclusion, an end. The path on which Bill travels seems endless...endless in its destruction, endless in its very nature.
I hope that when confronted with someone who is grieving, I can offer comfort from the words that you have shared here!
Kelly,
This blog is a great outlet. What cheap therapy it turned out to be. You have always come across as being very honest with your feelings, and I think that it helps everyone to understand where you are coming from. You have given me a perspective that I would never have had. AnnaKate is going to do wonderful things when it is her time. I know that the wait can be painfully slow sometimes, but know that it will happen. And if you happen to have a little slide back in the grieving process, you have a wonderful network of friends now to help you just like you help them.
I am sure your friend understood what you meant. You have learned from AnnaKate, and you were sharing your expereince. Anyone that knows you, would know that you had only the best intentions.
PS Thanks for not tripping me when I was pregnant :)
I love you girl.
Chap
Wow. Beautifully and amazingly written by a beautiful and amazing woman. You are truly and inspiration.
Good Grief Kelly W! That's what you have made it, good grief. Not the bad kind that lasts forever, but the kind that you learn and grow from. Good greif is what it is.
So true, Thank you for sharing this.
Love you!
Kelly, that is a beautiful, honest post. Thank you for sharing.
Beautifully said...
Wow..I enjoyed your post! As someone else who has gone down the infertility road..I completely understand. We now have Logan (our only child) We went thru a alot to get him and we're so happy and proud to be his parents! Grieving is very important..it got us to where we are today! HUGS to AK!
I am realizing it is taking me a lot longer to grieve than I thought it would. After Max was diagnoised, I would tear up when I saw a pregnant woman. I did get better with it. Last week, I went for my annual appointment at the same OBGYN office I went for my prenatal care. While I was in the waiting room, I felt like I was being sufficated by all the pregnant women and the pregnancy and parent magazines. When the nurse took me back to check me in, I lost it. She looked at me and asked if I was alright. I didn't think anything about going to the appointment. Just something I had to do. I still have an issue with pregnant women. I do not know why. I think it is because the last time I really feel like I had things under control, was when I was pregnant and a different life I thought I was carrying. It does take a while! Kelly F
So true and well spoken. Thanks for sharing!
Well said, Kelly. The first year of Natalie's life, I didn't think I would ever "get over it". It takes understanding people giving you the time to grieve. I remember a comment by another RTS parent on the listserve who said we shouldn't call what we're going through grief, because no one died. I couldn't have DISagreed more with her, and I couldn't agree more with you!
Very well written. I remember feeling so guilty that I was grieving...and once I embraced that grief things began to improve. Much love to you.
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